Saturday, April 28, 2012

Legalized Necrophilia

The living world was stunned this week to learn that government officials in Egypt are considering a bill that would legalize necrophilia. Yep. For up to six hours after one spouse dies, the living and the dead could continue expressing their love for each other in a physical way. Well, one of them would continue expressing. The other would just...lie there. Decomposing and such.

If you want to read more about the bill, go here. The article raises a lot of issues in addition to the necrophilia bill, including religion and women's rights. I'm not going to go into those matters here, but feel free to discuss them among yourselves. I'm going to focus on the multitude of questions raised by the necrophilia bill itself.

First, the obvious questions. Why in the hell would anyone want this to be legal? What kind of weird stuff are supporters of the bill into? And how did this even get started? Was a very recent widower caught in the act with his corpse bride, resulting in arrest and public outcry? I don't know. And I question how lively someone's regular sex life could be, if they think doing it with a corpse is a good idea.

Next, the specifics of the bill. Why six hours? It this a rigor mortis thing? Probably. I mean, it's one thing to be locked in a passionate embrace, and quite another to become locked in a passionate embrace. Kind of embarrassing if you have to yell for the relatives in the next room to come and help you out.

Since the six hour requirement is mentioned in the proposed law with specificity, one must assume that going even one minute past the time limit would be a violation of the law. No doubt this will result in some stiff penalties. Yep. The unbending staff of justice shall come down on offenders with grave finality.

But who enforces the time limits? The local coroner, or relatives of the deceased? Or does Death keep watch, scythe in one hand and timer in the other.

"Okay you two love birds," Death says; "You've got about three minutes left. Better wrap things up."

"You mean the body?" asks the living spouse.

"No, I mean what you're doing. No one's in a rush to wrap up the body. After what you just did, no one wants to touch it."

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Yeah, there are greeting cards for that. Or flowers, for the grave. Are you so cheap you couldn't buy flowers? Is that what this is about?"

"But I'll never see my beloved's smiling face again."

"Look, idiot, I can see the face of your spouse's spirit watching right now, and there is no smile. There is retching, but no smiling. You sick freak."


I suppose there's some good in all of this. At least America wasn't the first country to push the idea. We'll write the books and make the movies about vampires and zombies, fueling an international obsession with the undead; some other country can do the weird stuff. And for pity's sake, let's not import it. The trade deficit is bad enough.

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